While I was doing some painting earlier – of the decorating sort, not the hobby sort – I came across the realisation that I’ve let other people influence who I am and what I am doing.
I have put off personal project for an unwarranted ‘fear’ of upsetting people. I’ve let other peoples paranoia dictate what I am doing. A turn of phrase here or a surname there and I’ve had the finger of ‘You’re staling from me’ influence projects that I have had with me; but unworked upon for many years. My fears have been pushed the a point because the fingers come from people that once inspired me and that I looked up too – and coming to the realisation that they’ve got nothing on me has taken a long time.
This is the internet; look up these terms on google and you don’t get the people that I’ve been running scared from; you get DnD character builds or Film directors, infamous brothers, alcoholic beverages or things along those lines.
Even this more recent ‘fear’ of being completely overwhelmed by someone has had me changing what I am doing. And the stupid thing is, I was actually happy running along with my characters and projects before these things came along and sucked the enjoyment out of it – to the point (with furry at least) I don’t feel like I can ever enjoy it in the same way again; at least it feels that way at the moment.
I was scared. I am still scared sometimes, to think about certain cahracters and projects, and for what? Some idiot o the otehr side of a PC screen pointing fingers and throwing hissy fits cause they can’t see past their own noses?
I shouldn’t have let the things I enjoy be tainted by outside influences; not ones that can’t really do me any harm. I’m not interested enough in silly internet high-school bullshit; point your fingers, call me whatever the hell you like – no longer am I going to stop doing the things I enjoy just because other people want me too or are to self centred or paranoid that they think everything is theirs in the first place.